Acceptance

Before I jump in with this week's post, I want to say thank you to my readers. This has been a  real journey, and although I am not sharing every little detail, I am sharing my personal experience. You all have been very supportive via the comments or personal texts and phone calls. I appreciate that I can use this platform to get things off my chest while simultaneously creating a documentary for my little one. This post is another tough subject, because after all each of us have our own daily struggles. 

If you just want the results of the glucose test, just scroll to the bottom. :-)

I'm told that every pregnancy is different and every body handles pregnancy in the manner that is intended for that individual (again God doesn't make mistakes). That being said, as carriers/protectors/hosts for your growing parasite now human at 30 weeks, it is imperative that we take responsibility for our health and well being as it will effect our baby.

Poor eating habits, stress, grad school, getting out of the military, and working full time all played factors in my unhealthy weight gain. I had gained 20 pounds in two years. For a person my height, that is not good at all, however, I still loved myself and accepted that this was who I was now or so I thought. 

The reality is that I hadn't really accepted it. I didn't want to be overweight; I didn't want to buy larger clothes. I didn't want to be embarrassed changing in front of my girlfriends. I didn't like the way I felt some days, so I decided to do something about it. The last 1.5 years, I maintained my weight, I did not gain, and only lost 2 or 3 pounds. I started becoming more conscious of my eating habits and working out more regularly, most days with my coworkers.  After getting back into the swing of things, I felt good, and was ready for step two. Lose the 20 pounds. Brian was very supportive and some days we would work out together.  I joined my coworkers in what we called our accountability check. We would weigh in weekly with the incentive being, whoever lost the least amount at the end of the month had to buy the group breakfast. Healthy options of course. I had lost seven pounds and was so proud of myself.

Then I found out I was pregnant. Brian used to joke that as soon as I got my body back he would ruin it. smh. 

Of course being pregnant changed things. I could not lose anymore. I knew it wasn't good for my growing fetus. I did however, maintain an active lifestyle and monitored my diet. Apparently, that wasn't good enough. At one of my many doctor visits I learned I was not gaining enough weight for a healthy baby and that I was considered obese. 

You can imagine how I felt. I would never do anything to hurt my baby, and yet here I was not gaining enough weight because I was being conscious of my body. I was by no means starving myself as you have read from my previous posts, but I wasn't indulging. I thought that was good. On top of that, in black and white in the middle of my chart, under "Problems in Pregnancy" was that word. OBESE. I knew I was overweight, but obese?

I asked the doctor, confused as ever, how can I be obese and not have gained enough weight for the baby? Doctor X (the one I don't care for) did not answer the question in a way that made sense to me. So needless to say, I was pissed and confused. I asked Erin, her PA (the one I really like) and she explained it as a matter of being overweight prior to pregnancy and gaining the healthy amount of weight during pregnancy would land me in the obese category. 

Although I understood, I was still in my feelings. I felt like I was back at square one with struggling with my weight. From that moment I decided that since I was going to be obese anyway, I could indulge. So I did. I ate chili dogs and slushies, and pizza with extra pepperoni and plain Lays potato chips, pralines and cream ice cream with a bag of bugles, a full rack of ribs with mashed potatoes, pickles and strawberries, peaches, bananas, and all the frosted flakes. I still worked out though. I didn't want to lose all the muscle mass and flexibility I had gained. 

I have continued to workout throughout the pregnancy which has proved to be beneficial. (There are a lot of studies that show exercising while pregnant is good for you and the baby- it can lead to a relatively easy delivery too). The issue I have had is that even though I am working out, I am not doing it to lose, I am steady gaining and cannot fit anything. Literally, I cried last week because I felt so huge, and none of my dresses or underwear fit anymore. Maternity clothes are so expensive and shopping every two weeks is not in our budget. 

At our last doctor's appointment, we met Dr. Em. She is just as nice as I hoped. I really really like her. She answered the questions I had and told me I am on target with healthy weight gain for Brayden. I was so elated to hear that good news. She said being short and pregnant is a little different because ten pounds can make us overweight and a healthy weight gain for pregnancy between 25-30 pounds will make us obese.  

Results: I knew prior to taking the glucose screening test that I needed to ensure I was eating well and exercising often because I didn't want gestational diabetes. That could lead to many complications with the pregnancy.  The orange flavor won the vote- taste like sweet orange flavored Gatorade. The results were negative, but I am borderline anemic, which explains my fast heart beat and getting light headed.  Dr. Em said I should increase my red meat intake and leafy green veggies while continuing to take my prenatal vitamin.

Overall, I am doing well, but I still feel huge. We took maternity photos this past weekend and although I love the pics, I am not happy with how I look. I do not want the chubby face and winget span arms. So after the first pic, I covered up with my cardigan. I'm told I'm "just belly" but I notice the difference in other places. I am trying really hard not to dwell on it, but on days when I can't fit a loose dress.....it makes me feel some kind of way. 
I know that I will only get bigger over the next 9 weeks, I have to accept that. It's just a hard pill to swallow, when I've been trying to get my weight under control. 

The only thing I can do is stay focused enough to drop the weight after Brayden arrives. Wish me luck.