Skip to main content

She Saved Me

Alone with my thoughts, sitting in the dark. He lies next to me for the last time, and I realize this is the end. No more fairy-tale, this is what loss feels like. I tiptoe to our master bath and sob into my face towel. That was the last time.

I'm too independent to be seen as a damsel in distress and yet here I was secretly hoping he would save me. But the truth is, she was the only one who could.

They say you don't know what you've got until it's gone and it's so true. You see while I was busy catorting, she was losing her grasp. While I was busy folding for the world around me, she was fading. A part of me knew she was holding on by a thread, but I wanted this life oh so bad. Mom. Wife. Lover. Partner. Bossbabe. Daughter. Sister. Aunt. Friend. Colleague. Confidant. Comfortable. Convenient. Ciera. Barely.

I went dark for a few months. Immersed myself in motherhood, overcompensating for the inevitable; Doubled down at work overachieving so noone could tell I was a wreck; created distance with friends because I couldn't talk about it. I thought I was okay. But I wasn't. I hadn't allowed myself the time to grieve. I needed to grieve. That lifestyle. That current version of reality. That shell of Ciera ...

A year passed.

I did grieve and she emerged.
She was bold and confident. She felt sexy and comfortable in her skin. She said no to what did not serve her. She said yes to Ciera. She was taking care of herself. She created a new space to take #ThirtyAndThriving to a different level. A level of self-awareness and growth that only this experience could teach. Grateful for the blessing in this lesson.

A Caterpillar. A Cocoon. Now, a beautiful butterfly.

Life mantra at my core.
⤵️Love (25).
↕️Sweat (26).
↕️Peace (27).
↕️Reflection (28).
↕️Action (29).
↕️Live {with intention}(30).
Gratitude (31). 
Manifestation in 32.
Labels:

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Sweatshirts and Pearls

I never realized that even after eight years in the military I still somehow gravitated towards a uniform. Not just any uniform, specific articles and accessories that make me feel like I’m ready to take on the day. No matter if I feel good, bad, or indifferent, my pearl earrings make every outfit public appropriate. I feel naked without them. I even workout wearing smaller versions of them. O_o Accented with my favorite necklace, (a single strand of round pearl beads worn by my mother on her wedding day); my pearls can bring any outfit to life. Even a basic sweatshirt. If I had to choose, some variety of a sweatshirt would be in my top five article of clothing. They are comfortable and warm and when paired with the perfect jean or legging BOOM!  You have an outfit ready to run errands (the bank, the mall, and Wal-Mart), visit friends and family (Homecoming and the 3.5 hour drive to Northumberland), or simply lounge around the house on a Sunday afternoon, sipping Northern Ne...
9 comments
Read more

No Changing the Uniform

I recall telling my coffee writer friend that I wanted to start a blog to document my motherhood journey. Trying to come up with an appropriate name, I listed all of the things that make me who I am. All kinds of random words were on the list to include Army, organization, singing, green, manicure, sweatshirts, and pearl earrings.  Playing the name game was fun I must admit. Creating is a favorite pastime. In October 2015 SweatshirtsAndPearls was born... oddly enough the same month and year I realized I was brow less, but that’s another topic for another day. My very first post covered my subconscious transition from one uniform to the next while consciously transitioning from Ciera to Mama. Vera Wang said, “A woman is never sexier, than when she is comfortable in her clothes,” and I have to agree. On one of the most emotional days of my life (telling my parents I was pregnant) I chose my new uniform: A Sweatshirt, Yoga Pants, and Pearl jewelry. In Jan 2020, it’s still my prefe...
Post a Comment
Read more

Drink Champagne and Dance on the Table

Unlike years past, there was nothing planned for my birthday. Literally, I said I will see how I feel in reference to making plans on the Saturday before #CiDay. Who are you? And where is Ciera? You know the one who plans like her life depends on it. She is still around just taking a much needed bird's eye view.  You see this last year has been something special. Running into to thirty full-throttle did something for her well-being. It was exactly the kind of year she wanted. A YEAR OF YES. Last year's mantra was about living with intention, living out loud. It was a drastic change from the normal organize/prepare, plan, contingency plan, and execute.... On one hand, I hired a travel agent, planned and had a contingency for traveling to the Bahamas, and then on the other I literally hopped in a car and rode to Canada just because; and it was a blast. I've had champagne and I danced on the table in my dreams, why not in-real-life? I have never been at that level of spont...
Post a Comment
Read more